I was due July 20th. I should have been hugely pregnant with swollen feet and indigestion right now. But I'm not. It's strange to wonder why God allows things like this to happen. But I know He has mighty plans, and loves our sweet Grace more then we do.
Our other 3 pregnancies (2 births and 1 other miscarriage) were all helped along with fertility drugs, so when we found out Grace was in me...we were SHOCKED yet elated! My husband was in Nicaragua on a medical mission trip and I was at the house with our other 5 kids and my mom. I kept feeling exhausted and nauseous. It was weird. I joked to my mom that I could be pregnant. But I knew that wasn't the case because Brian and I had been married over 10 years at the time, and had never been pregnant without months of fertility drugs.
I ran to the store and slyly bought a couple pregnancies tests "just to see". Dodging a few people I knew, so they wouldn't see the tests in my hands. Didn't want any rumors floating around! ;) Fully believing they'd be negative, I purchased them and headed home. I took one and it immediately was positive. I was pretty sure I was going to pass out. What?? What?? My mom was excited and I started to feel excited too!
We quickly found a shirt, of our current little sweetie that said "Little Sister" and crossed out "little" with a sharpie and wrote the word "BIG". How fun to greet my husband at the airport to announce to him that we were going to have to get a 12 passenger van probably.
It was so exciting when he figured out what our little Joie's shirt meant. He was speechless and then kept saying "what?? what??' Our friends at the airport that were welcoming their husbands and dads back from Nicaragua too, were just as ecstatic. It was pure joy!!
I still count her life as pure joy. We had 5 more weeks of knowing she was in there before she met our sweet Jesus.
I love to picture that she got to meet her sibling that went to heaven 7 years ago. I bet they are buddies and play together. I know they are. And my sweet friend Natalie's twin boys. And Amy's precious little girl.
She was real. She had life. She was a person. I kissed her goodbye on earth, but I am excited to meet her and give her a big hug and kiss in heaven one day.
I tend to not do so well after I give birth or miscarriage. I suffer from severe anxiety. It's life changing and frustrating. So if you know me personally and wonder where I've been since December, I'm now back. I only went to selective events and places since then, for fear I would have another full blown panic attack. Not really one of my favorite things in the world. But God heals those that suffer and I fully believe He did. I knew the dark would be coming, but I also knew the light would come back again. And it finally has. I'm ever so grateful!
I think women are ashamed or embarrassed to talk about postpartum events in their minds. It's ok. I promise you are not alone. It comes and goes, but you WILL get back to your regular life again. Hang in there!
Sweet Grace, how I love you. I will see you one day.
Why I need Grace.....
Haley
